The F Words
No, not what you’re thinking.
My F words right now are fear and faith. If only it were natural for faith to be the state I lived in.
The truth of it is, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster for me. Each day I wake up and am faced with choosing fear or faith. It seems, even when I do choose faith, the fear that fear will overwhelm that faith comes anyway. The creator of lies is laughing and ecstatic every time I give in to listening to his lies, which are wrapped around tiny morsels of truth. He gets to me so easy that way, taking those little truths and hooking me on that and then I get sucked in to his lies. The most discouraging part is that even afer all this time, in a moment of weakness it’s hard to discern God’s voice apart from all the others. As a Christian, I am tired and weak. I have been worn down by trying and trying so hard to figure everything out. I want to fix this feeling in my soul of loneliness and dettachment. And yet I can’t, God calls me to wait and be patient. I am the WORST at being patient. I want to be able to fix this whole situation in an instant. I feel as if I can work my way out of this hole, I want to do the work God needs from me, I want to work for Him to fix this. And yet, He still says, just WORSHIP me. You CANNOT work your way out of this Alison! Worship me!
If only I could figure that out. This season is one of patience and relearning the “structure” of my faith all over again. Worship isn’t one hour on Sunday, it’s not my favorite worship song in the car, it’s not a great Bible study. Worship is my purpose. Every moment I give to worshipping my worries, duties, fears, life….is a moment I DON’T live worshipping God….which is my purpose in life. And so the cycle continues…I realize I’m not worshipping God when I’m worshipping/focusing on my fears and so I spiral into an “I can fix it” attitude or an upset moment where I’ve failed God again.
My works will never add up to what God deserves. My worship will never add up to what God deserves. I am only worthy because of His blood shed on the cross. He picked up every cross I would come to bear and took care of them once and for all. So each time I pick up a cross and try to carry it on my own, I’m crucifying Him again and again until I realize it’s not mine to control. It’s not mine to control.
So each day, in this season of God fine tuning me and preparing me, I pray first that faith would pour out and over any fear or temptation of fear/discouragement/depression/doubt/anxiety. I pray faith from Christ would be my stance, that no weapon formed against me would win. I pray the Lord would be my Rock, my everything. I pray that as I’m waiting for whatever it is I’m waiting for, I would have joy and peace, patience and the desire to spread the Gospel.
I pray in this time that I just learn to worship, abandoning all I’ve held dear, and running to Him in trust that what He has for me is best, pure, and good.
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