When Did August Happen…
Lunch time on the water's edge...
So it’s AUGUST already…not only is it August…it’s almost the END of August. How did this happen?
Well, as the summer is coming to an end…(booooooo)…I’m prepping for the cool Fall weather. By prepping I mean trying to soak in sun when I can. Today for lunch I went and sat by the water on a bench. The sun felt A.MAZ.ING. Such a pretty view too…pictures can’t do it justice I don’t think. None the less, I still tried to capture it on my bberry. (hence the pic above)
Life has had it’s challenges lately. It seems I’m constantly searching for a present God. There are plenty of different stages for Christians, the one I’m in isn’t fun. It’s long, hard, and often repetitive. (well, I think it’s repetitive, but God’s working on something that will be one of those grand “aha” moments at the end….if I could just get to the end….)
I remember in college thinking I would graduate and God would use me, He would just pluck me right out of my little world and send me off somewhere to be His hands and mouth. I remember thinking His using me would be obvious and glorious….tough, but rewarding and worth it. Kinda that movie screen, perfect Christian, sacrificial, humble life. (ya’ll know what I’m talking about)
It seems instead I now find myself struggling with the selfishness of independence and trying to figure out just how it is that I can humbly try and bless others without getting that puffy “look what i can do”-ness. To add to my disgruntled attitude, my service to God isn’t in the fashion of missions or sacrificial living in some foreign country without running water, it’s instead in the fashion of utilizing the Xerox machine, sending emails, mailing brochures, and taking conference registrations. Not exactly the “humble servant” position I’ve had in mind my whole life. God I know is trying to show me how no matter what I’m doing it’s for Him…one of those lessons I am most definitely taking a while to learn.
So there’s no way to hide it, this stage of my life isn’t the way I would have planned it, rather the way I did plan it. (insert God’s plan here) I didn’t think I would be 3,000 miles from my family and daily sorting through the muck that is my heart. I didn’t think I would be sitting at a desk in a 9-5 type routine. I didn’t think I would be wearing “business attire” (granted…that’s one I’m not too good at, my “business attire” is a far cry from what you’re probably thinking…one day I’ll grow up…not yet though). I plain didn’t think I would be here.
And yet, I also didn’t think I’d be in Seattle. I didn’t think I’d be learning something new and convicting about myself most every day. I didn’t think I’d be madly in love with a man that takes me as I am, all junk and mucky hearted. I didn’t think I’d be praising God for the painful option of being taught and grown instead of the uncomfortable comfort of sitting in my own stagnancy. I didn’t think I’d be in a place in my life where everything about my humanness was yearning for the next step, when everything in my spirit was crying out to just sit still until I understood God’s purpose in being in that place. Looking back, I may not 100% enjoy where I am in life now, BUT…I do know that God has intricately woven me into the place that I am, and it’s AMAZING to see and know that it’s all for something…it’s all for His glory and kingdom. I can say I’m excited to continue in His plan and learn about Him and be in relationship with Him. I am excited to grow in the body of Christ and find true community with those around me. All this excitement for things to come….and a heavy, determined heart to have this excitement for the things that are.
All this to say, I don’t have it figured out yet. Most blogs end with the happy “and then God spoke, I cried, and now I’m joyful” type thing. Sorry, no such blessing here.
The blessing is more though possibly.
I’m still striving, still growing, still changing, still digging away bitterness. Through it all, GOD LOVES ME. His sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice, is one that I cling to dearly. Even in the midst of the unknown of this journey, this road that winds and turns, I know without doubt that God’s purpose will come through. I know without doubt that it’s going to take complete abandon. I know without doubt that every day, God is peeling away the layers of me to get to the core that is Jesus.
I think I know most importantly that “the God of all grace, who called me to His eternal glory in Christ, after I have suffered a little while, will Himself restore me and make me strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
And so, I guess, if you’ve even made it this far in this blog, the only thing to say is that the newness in Christ is something I hold on to. And even in my most selfish, questioning, angry, bitter, and seemingly still times….that is what I am, new in Christ Jesus. So my praises are always lifted up to Him, regardless of where I am in life. The only advice I have for those going through this type of season is to hold on, and know you’re not the only one. Always praise God, and know that He is moving…He is working…He is loving.
While following Christ is something we have to choose daily, in that relationship slowly grows the passion that makes it that much more vital to do so. Picking up your cross and following Christ is always worth it.
He never quaranteed fun or safety or health or marriage or wealth…but He did give His Son…as a guarantee that if we accept Him as Saviour, at the end of the struggles, we could be with Him.
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